BREAKING: Penn Successfully Rebrands as Most Money-Hungry Ivy

As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year. 

“Our administration has constantly strived to extract the most wealth from our students and surrounding community as possible,” a spokesperson wrote in a university-wide email. “From charging $70 for sushi at Franklin’s Table that we bought off of UberEats to gentrifying the moon, Penn has always led the charge. But today, we are confident that requiring all sophomores, regardless of financial status, to remain in Penn housing will allow our school to finally be the best at something.”

The email also included potential moves to “limit the extent to which financial aid covers housing” for sophomores, or even “just demolishing the financial aid offices as a whole.” 

Many undergraduate students, especially freshmen, and faculty were delighted by the announcement. 

Still wearing her Quaker Days lanyard, Elizabeth J. (C ‘22) was one of the administration’s many supporters. “I’ve always wanted to be able to tell my friends from high school that Penn is the best at something. Like, no, it’s not Penn State, and like, yeah, we’re worse than every Ivy besides Cornell on basically every scale, but now we can stand out!”

Tenured Wharton professor and Dean of Student Mental Health, Dr. Claire Mannington, echoed Elizabeth’s sentiments. “In one fell swoop, the administration has managed to solve every student’s mental health problem, while simultaneously stroking the Penn community’s already massive ego. Bravo, President G!”